Now I just need it in Latin.

It's a fun question to ask: "If you were on a desert island disc, what five albums would you bring with you?" The real sport of this is always watching someone try to abstain. "Oh, I couldn't pick just five," they'll say, and then they're cajoled into throwing their entire music collection into the ocean, and everyone is entertained by the anguish this causes. I used to play along in the same manner, but I finally realised that I actually do have a straight answer to this slanted question:

"Music Inspired by the Group of Seven", by the Rheostatics. And then four others.

This is really the only CD I need. On a desert island, this would be the one that reminds me who I am, so that I may return to society after my ordeal. It's a beautiful ever-shifting landscape of sound, and it always somehow manages to make me feel like I'm home whenever I listen to it. It's more than just a few songs. It's also a collection of background sound clips and monologues and interviews, and right in the middle of it, none other than John Diefenbaker is reciting a poem, and it sounds like this: "I have done a hundred things you have not dreamed of - wield a sword, swung high in the sunlit silence."

I've always loved that passage. It starts out with the promise of bold adventure, but then shifts not into a litany, but a request - for the listener to take up a sword. And do what with it? Go to war? No, simply to hold it high. Don't worry about impressing people, and don't try to be sneaky. Go into the sunlit silence, and swing it around. In my opinion, that means one thing only - practice. Find that thing which gives you joy, and work on it. Master it, and embrace the journey which that education shall provide.


It's a wonderful sentiment, and so I decided that this would be the proper thing to get inscribed on a pocket watch a friend had given me. Not wanting to misquote the original, I looked it up... it turns out that it's a poem called "High Flight", by John Gillespie Magee, Jr. The line in question is actually: "wheeled, and soared, and swung high in the sunlit silence." That disappointed me somewhat. It's still a pretty image, but now he's just talking about how great it is to fly. Where's the deeper meaning in that?

Oh, well. Sometimes, when something speaks to you, you have to listen to what you heard.

Rogue's Gallery.

Well, another November is wrapped up. As has the October before it, and the September before that. Those were probably the longest three months of my life that didn't have a final exam in them... but now it's over, and I'm able to talk about Batman.

You see, this summer, I finished the latest revision of "Pile O' Bones", my novel about a Saskatchewan vampire hunter. I've sent copies out to those who asked about it, and one or two people were even polite enough to inquire about a sequel. I proposed that in Book Two, our hero would venture to Alberta, where a dark and foul force is preying upon Newfoundlanders in the oil patch. And then, the hero follows this villain to Newfoundland, where he has to confront this evil before he corrupts the very spirit of St. John's itself.

I liked the idea for a little while, but then I realised the horrible truth: One backdrop the first time (the best one), and two for the second, to make up for the first's absence. I was following the same pattern as the Batman movies!

But maybe that's not a bad thing. Let's take a look, shall we? Behold, then: The Adventures of Norton Swift, Paranormal Investigator!

1. "Batman". Villain: The Joker.

Book One takes place in Saskatchewan. Why does Saskatchewan resemble the Joker? For no reason at all. That's why it's funny! (But seriously, this decision was already made for me, in a way.)

2. "Batman Returns". Villains: Penguin, Catwoman

I already planned that I'd feature Newfoundland and Alberta in this novel, and it's and easier match than I thought. For the Penguin, you have the sea, birds, umbrellas, and strange mannerisms. And Alberta as Catwoman? Well, Alberta is a lady's name. Catwoman is something of a Wild Rose herself. And unlike most other Batman villains, she's in it for the money.

3. "Batman Forever". Villains: Two-Face and the Riddler

After two books of adventures, it makes sense that Ron would eventually be called into the heart of the country: Ontario and Quebec. The beautiful part here is that both villains describes both provinces equally well.

4. "Batman and Robin". Villains: Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane

These matches are all blindingly obvious: the Northwest Territories, B.C., and PEI. Also, there's the added bonus that this book would take our hero from "Coast to Coast to Coast". In fact, that would probably be the title of this one.

5. "Batman Begins". Villains: Scarecrow, Ra's Al Ghul

The Scarecrow isn't quite a perfect match for the Yukon, but we'll accept it out of respect for Sam McGee. And Ra's Al Ghul is an powerful immortal, who controls a distant empire, who sees Batman as a potential ally as well as a rival. That's not a province - that's the good ol' United States of America. It looks like Ron's finally stamping his passport in Book 5.

6. "The Dark Knight". Villains: Joker, Two-Face

And here, a return to the two provinces that most need a second appearance: Saskatchewan because it's his home, and Ontario because Toronto will remain absent from the third novel, but feature prominently here.

There you have it! A map of all future adventures! So, we still have to travel to Nunavut, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Manitoba. I think I know two of those analogues already:

The Ventriloquist = New Brunswick. That most bilingual of provinces, long knows for being able to speak with two voices. Not only that, but they have a mild public image that somehow co-exists with their fiery Maritime spirit.

The Mad Hatter = Manitoba. Chiefly because of the Metis trappers and the Northwest Rebellion, but I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to find other examples of crazy Winnipeggers.

So, all we have left to find are Bat-villains for Nunavut and Nova Scotia. Any suggestions?

Vendetta for Victory.

Okay, I've thought about it. I still like the idea of cutting down our C intake. However, renaming C to "Cookie" might be a bit too heavy for you guys. (But trust me -- your kids are gonna love it.) Besides, it's not like we needed to rename ascorbic acid to "Vitamin Cookie"; it's already the most delicious vitamin. What we really have to do is take one of the nastier ones and rename it "Vitamin Bacon-8". That'll solve child nutrition problems, guaranteed.

But I diverge. Let us put the Cookie behind us, and concentrate for a more attainable goal: That V's now be pronounced "Ved".

There are several good reasons for this:

It adds a little zing to common terms such as "Ved-8", "Cee-Ved", and the "Flying Ved Formation".

The term "TV" is fossilized -- it's not going anywhere. Digital video is the new wave, but "Dee-Vee" and "Tee-Vee" are almost identical. Switch to "Dee-Ved", and it'll be easier to tell the difference between old and new.

There are too many letters that rhyme with E as it is.

Because our alphabet needs to become less American without becoming more British.

But the major reason that switching to "Ved" makes sense:

All of a sudden, the Alphabet Song rhymes perfectly.

And if there's anything our hearts have yearned for but never known, it's for the Alphabet Song to rhyme.

Write early, write often.

This is my 250th post on this blog. Thanks for reading it, everyone!

Now, I don't usually delve too deeply into politics, but this time, I'll make an exception. You always hear about activists exhorting people to write their MP. I'm not going to do that here. Instead, for the first time since I moved to the Hat, I actually did write my MP. I'm sure it's not going to change the course of this country, but on the other hand, what good is this modern age, if we don't use it to communicate?

If you'd like to comment on any of this, please do so. Or better yet, send your comments to your MP, whatever they may be. Or, best of all... send your comments to my MP, and tell him what a great guy that Denton is, and how he's worth listening to.

Or, if you'd prefer to see pictures of mummified body parts, tune in on Sunday, when I get back from Edmonton.

Mr. Solberg:

First of all, let me congratulate you on representing such a wonderful city. I moved to Medicine Hat from Edmonton just a few years ago in order to work at CFB Suffield, and I consider it one of the best decisions I've ever made. This city became home to me much faster than I ever would have thought possible.

Over the last two years, I've never had any reason to write my MP with regards to the events in Parliament, but with so many things happening so quickly right now, I'd like to weigh in with my opinions, if I may.

1. I was never particularly worried about the provision about federal funding for movies in Bill C-10: The only way laws can be applied to art is through subjective terms like "public policy". It would have been a nightmare if the Bill had provided a list of what will and will not be funded. A far wiser idea is to keep it simple. Best of all, it was public policy. Had Sarah Polley needed that funding for her next movie, and if the public agreed with her, there would always be room for the government to change its stance. Likewise, a movie which would only harm Canada's world reputation might find its funding revoked. By allowing flexibility, it makes accountability easier.

2. However, that's exactly what's missing from Bill C-61. Based upon the usage of the DMCA in the USA, it seems that it's little more than a weapon for the CRIA to wield against individual citizens. They have millions of dollars at stake: they will be able to intimidate, harass, and bully anyone not prepared to spend their life savings on court fees. What I fear is the CRIA being able to take the law into their own hands, and create criminals out of people such as myself whenever it suits their purposes to do so.

I understand that Canadian artists need to be protected and rewarded for their work: I've bought every one of my mp3s through legitimate means, because I want Corb Lund to be able to record his next album. But under this legislation, I'm still breaking the law depending on how I play those mp3s. I'll be buying less music, not more, under this system, and that's not any better for the Canadian music industry.

Also, any new laws on digital rights really should recognise the fact that media becomes an indelible part of our culture. Look at the recent kerfuffle over Hockey Night In Canada's theme for a perfect example. If a bar band does a cover of the theme, are they now going to be sued by an 81-year-old woman living in London, England? In fact, according to American copyright law, a band could be sued for playing that song in a bar 75 years after her death. Please, before this bill passes, take another look at how this affects people, and please look at some other options.

3. And now, if I may shift gears for a moment: I really like the reasoning behind the new Green Shift proposal. It's a made-in-Canada solution, and it doesn't mention the Kyoto protocol or its unattainable goals anywhere. Unlike the carbon tax in British Columbia, there's a direction to this one. It doesn't penalize people for earning more money; it penalizes people for creating more pollution.

True, it's going to change the average income of Canadians one way or another, and not everyone will benefit unless they make changes to their lifestyle. The truth of the matter, though, is that people didn't stop buying SUVs because of their conscience; they stopped because gas prices went too high. It takes an incentive to generate change, and right now, change is badly needed. This is the sort of policy that could inspire other nations. Rather than wait for India to clean up its act first, why not show India how to do it?

As I watch the political circus in the States unfold along the familiar old "Red vs. Blue" borders, I'm grateful that I live in a country that actually allows minority governments, which can allow its politicians to compromise, listen, and work together, regardless of party affiliations. I don't need a government run by Stephane Dion, but I'd love a government which has the wherewithal to know a good idea when it sees one, regardless of where it came from.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and have a nice day.

Sincerely,

Denton Froese

Duhn, da DA da DAAAAAAA...

One more thing before the library kicks me out: No dubt you've all heard that the theme song to Hockey Night In Canada is in peril. Horrific, scandalous, inconceivable, and so forth.

Of course, I agree with the outrage -- I can't even begin to describe the resonance of that song in Canadian culture. But still, look at the timing of the announcement. The press release indicates that the copyright holder had been in negotiations with the CBC for some time. And then, they issue that press release right after the Stanley Cup, when the director of CBC Sports a) is really busy wrapping everything up, and b) no longer has control of CBC's programming schedule, in which he can present their side of the story.

In fact, the press release was made while said director was mid-flight from Detroit back to Ottawa. One can only imagine the emergency briefing that was waiting for him at the airport...

So, I'm postponing my judgement on this until the rebuttal can be made. But in the meantime, I'd like to reassure everyone that even if CBC no longer holds the rights, it'll still be impossible to keep the crowds from singing it at every opportunity. In fact, it might even become more popular by the time this is all resolved...

...provided that ESPN doesn't buy the rights to it first. Then, we'll have a courtroom battle on copyright law that'll shape the country.

But Seriously.

A few months ago, my city got a new FM station. We now have Rock, in addition to Country, Country Rock, Workplace Rock and Christian Rock. Yeah, we're an aural mosaic out here in the Gas City. Anyway, back to the new station, Rock 105. It might be too early to pass judgement yet, but there's no overlooking its latest station identification slogan:

"You know those bands you always see on T-shirts down at the mall? We play those bands! ROCK! 105!"

The funny thing is, I don't what that slogan condemns more harshly: Its own station, for allowing fashion to determine musical tastes, or every other station in the city, for not noticing that no one publicly admits to listening to their station. (Well, except for Kalan Porter.) Regardless, I think that slogan does a marvelous job of summing up exactly what's wrong with the music industry in general.

The situation with CBC Radio 2 demonstrates this as well -- last month, they changed their programming to cut down on the classical music, and introduce more contemporary artists, like Diana Krall, in an effort to capture the youth demographic (For the CBC, that's 39-50). Nothing against Mrs. Krall, but I wasn't surprised to hear the howls of outrage over this decision. People want their CBC to be stuffy, even if they don't listen to it. I think the core of the argument is whether CBC should be a mirror, showing society as it is, or a statue, showing a society they'd prefer to see. The arguments about truth and journalistic integrity (and ratings) tend to favour the mirror. But I think that perhaps radio is best served by the statue approach.

The mirror is for television. You stare into the screen, and it stares back (it's a very tender moment). But radio is a background medium. You do things while you're listening to the radio. Video tells you who you are, because at that moment, you're not doing anything else. That's why it's good for escapism. Audio, on the other hand, enhances what the listener is doing. It's all right to treat the CBC radio as a statue, because more than television, it can actually make its listeners more statuesque. (In the handsome way, I mean -- these accursed metaphors are starting to get the better of me.)

I'll wrap this up now, but I do have to admit one thing about radio: 1985 was awesome. It even had the right idea about fashion statements...

With or without.

This started out as a good weekend. I’d discovered Canada Writes, and decided to submit a two-hundred-word poem into the contest.

There was just one problem: my favourite literary device is logorrhea. Not surprisingly, taking my thoughts and scaling them back to two hundred words was like cutting off my arm with a pencil.

Worse, it's in iambic tetrameter. I spent the entire Sunday morning agonising over two things: whether the word "with" should be in line 3, and what three-syllable, middle-stressed word could describe a cityscape. You know, something like "imposing".

(...wait a second.)

At any rate, this was doubly frustrating for me, because I had just attended a slam poetry festival in Edmonton. Wasn't I inspired by the adrenalised emotion of their unfettered words? Their ability to scream epithets against monkeys whenever they pleased?

No, the sad truth is that although I'd love to don the black leather jacket of modern free verse, my physique doesn't fit anything but the blue employee's vest of happy sing-song. I guess that sometimes suffering for your craft means that the reader can't suffer with you.

Poetry can be so cruel sometimes.

International Talk Like A Poet Day.

It's hard not to love Robbie Burns Day. People carouse with fake Scottish accents, and haggis and bagpipes are not only present, they're lauded. People might veer away from such things for most of year, but on January 25, they'll allow themselves the indulgence of something different. I could also argue that people like the indulgence of a little tradition: it's nice to know that there's a day set aside purely for low-tech, old-fashioned merry-making.

Wouldn't it be great if there was a day like that for Canada's most famous poet, as well?

There's a problem with that, though -- for most good-hearted people, the idea of discussing Canadian poetry is far more unappealing than bagpipes and haggis. Chances are, they won't stick around long enough to ask, "Which poet?"

That's too bad for them, because the answer is Leonard Cohen.

Some brave souls reached that conclusion a few years ago, and ever since then, Leonard Cohen Night has been gaining popularity. In Edmonton, there's going to be an art exhibit, an open mike for any and all poets, and finally, an evening concert where local artists sing his songs.

This is probably where some people would ask, "So, if it's like a Canadian Celebration, does that mean we can get plastered there?"

Sadly enough, they've got a point. Robbie Burns Day is a whooping, roaring party. Leonard Cohen Night is a dry grad in comparison. Will it ever be popular enough to really take off? Because I'm an eternal optimist, I wager it will, and here's why...

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the only time I shall ever post a photo from the Emmys on this website. That dapper gentleman right there is none other than Steve Wozniak, Apple co-founder and geek extraordinaire. He looks powerful and confident. He's got his act together. And he's wearing a really nice suit.

I would argue that Woz there doesn't look this good in a T-shirt.








...Nope.

That's the magic thing about Leonard Cohen: He's an incredible poet, true. He's a national treasure, undoubtedly. But he's also able to put together style and class, truth and beauty, the public and the private... and he can hold all those things in that critical balance which gives him a grace unequalled. It's the crowning achievement of a poet, to be as noble as a lord yet as wise as a monk. He always bears himself like he's wearing that suit, and he can bring you to that same special level.

That grace is a rare thing in this world, and it's something that deserves celebrating.

So, even if there aren't any Leonard Cohen festivities in your town this Friday night, throw one of his recordings onto the CD player, open a bottle of wine with some friends, and raise a toast to the man who teaches us not to fear our own potential.

One might even say he sees our perfect bodies with his mind.

Why I like Big Turks.

At the convenience store yesterday, I saw another "limited edition" chocolate bar. You know the sort: Cinnamon KitKats, Vanilla Reese Cups, Orange Crunchies, etc. I always think of a bunch of executives in Pennsylvania, slowly coming to the sad realisation that whether it's chocolate with crispy rice, or chocolate with crispy wafers, it's still pretty close to the same stuff they sold last year. They desperately need something new (although I'm not sure why, since kids + chocolate is the gold standard for demographic appeal), and this is the result.

Does anyone think that they'll somehow discover that the only thing missing from a Twix these last fifty years was a dash of Pumpkin Pie artificial flavouring? Or does it make more sense to think that they're terrified of how much money it would cost to create a new snack bar?

Or, more specifically, how much it would cost to market a new snack bar. Look a few years into the past: A new bar was invented, called "Wunderbar". Its ad campaign consisted of a bunch of vikings opening a pirate chest (huh?) and shouting, "Wunderbar!" And it worked. And now, Wunderbar has enough recognition that it sells itself (and its minty-fresh counterpart). A brand new bar, on the other hand, will require millions, just to get people to notice it, and it'll cost millions putting it into mass production. Wunderbar, on the other hand, didn't require as much startup, so it didn't have to be a miracle of confection to turn a profit. Trying something new just isn't worth it, no matter how badly they crave a new audience.

The end result? Short of a new company trying to enter the market and stay cost-competitive against Willy Wonka, the candy racks aren't going to change any time soon.

And as soon as you realise that, it becomes somewhat insulting that they're still trying to peddle Charleston Chews and Baby Ruths. Even Oh!Henrys... when was the last time "Henry" was a modern name?

Despite that all, I was still curious to see the following chocolate bar for sale:

After all, it's not like maple is a bad flavour... and it does kind of tug at the ol' patriotism... but wait, what's that in the top left? "Red and White in Every Bite"? Okay, this I've got to see.

Hm. What do you know... it's slim, it's brown, it's crunchy, it's about the size of a banana, it's full of peanuts, and it's filled with gooey, chewy, blood-red nougat.

Am I really the only person who thinks it's like biting a squirrel's head off?

Like I said earlier, this is what passes for innovation nowadays. Welcome to the dark side of the long tail: the companies which already enjoy blockbuster success have optimised their production to the extent that now they can't manufacture anything except for their blockbuster items. At best, they can only manage baby steps away from their established brand, which results in curiousities like this.

The real problem, though, is that I like squirrels. Ah, well... I guess it's high time that I ditched the sweet tooth.

I still need an artist, though.

I haven't talked about my Agent Casey project in a while, but I've been using Script Frenzy as an excuse to flesh out some of the ideas, and I'm particularly proud of recent developments.

First off all, his department. Even if he is a CBC secret agent, he's still a government employee. Thus, his bureau has to have a suitably archaic, unweildly, and redundant name... such as the Ombudsman's Council of Canada (OCC). Even better, it's le Conseil du Ombudsman du Canada (COC), en Français. If I ever make this public, I'm registering www.occ-coc-gc.ca in a heartbeat.

Also, Agent Casey needs a last name. Fortunately, Casey is a codename, which leaves me free to use a fictional surname befitting a fictional Canadian secret agent: Intrepid. Casey Intrepid. I'm not sure about that yet, but it'll work if nothing better comes to mind.

Finally, I've got the title for my first story arc:

The Madness of Namxaw La: That's Al Waxman Written Backwards

And yes, it would appear exactly like that on the cover.

Hey, I'd want to read that.

Soundtrack For The Night.

"Ashtray Rock" by the Joel Plaskett Emergency has been in my car's CD player non-stop for the last week. It's the return of the concept album, and it's a beautiful thing. The songs are fine on their own, but where it really shines is in the transitions. As he segues from Chinatown/For The Record (Track 10) into The Instrumental (Track 11), the music starts to shift. It's like watching Bruce Lee in action: every step has its own purpose, and still manages to support what's coming next. The melody goes from place to place, always driving forward, always getting to a higher state of energy. After the ascent, we go on the ride down: a "wish you were here" postcard, narrated by the girl at the center of the album's theme. It illustrates the concept perfectly, and opens up the final two tracks for a wistful conclusion.

It's an excellent album, so I started digging around for some more information about it. The first thing I noticed was that the girl who narrated the postcard was the same one that illustrated the cover, the liner notes, and did the woodburning for his previous album, "La De Da": Rebecca Kraatz.

Talented lady. Also, somewhat familiar... where have I seen her work before?

Ah, yes! She did a guest comic for the not-always-readable-yet-always-rewarding Dinosaur Comics by Ryan North. The fact that her strip dealt with archaeology in Saskatchewan was just icing on the cake. After making that connection, I dug a little deeper in her portfolio, and I found that she's a friend and collaborator of Hope Larson... who is married to Bryan Lee O'Malley. And that ended my little journey of links right there, because I don't need to go any further than that. You see, Bryan Lee O'Malley is the creator of...



...SCOTT PILGRIM!!!

This is important. You see, Scott Pilgrim is perhaps the most awesome comic series I have ever read. I can't describe it; I've tried before, and failed. Describing it as "The Hyper-Real Life Of A Slacker In Toronto" is accurate, but it doesn't explain why it's so good.

Don't believe me? Drop me a line. Give me your home address. I will mail you a copy of Volume 1, free. And then, you can send me an e-mail saying, "This is awesome!". Then, I will send you a reply, saying, "I know! It's so awesome!". And then you'll say, "I'm buying you a drink the next time you come to visit!", and so forth. See? Everybody wins.

...aaand that, my friends, is the story of how Joel Plaskett taught me the value of Facebook.

Landscape and Sky.

First of all, some happy news: Punjab Palace has opened up downtown, and I was there for opening night. Now, it's true that the curry was as mild as the plains of wheat surrounding this city, and that the deep fryer wasn't quite up to temperature when they dropped in the samosas. Still, I maintain that the chef knows what he's doing -- he's just dialing it down for the buffet audience. After all, there are four different types of naan on the menu. That's not the work of an amateur. Also, there was a flat-panel television mounted high on the rear wall, and late into the evening, it finally locked onto its distant satellite signal to provide a bit of ambience.

Cilantro and Bollywood have come to Medicine Hat at last. Life is good.

Life's been good in other areas, too; for the first time in five years, I've found a book which compelled me to finish it in a single sitting. The lucky title is Happiness(tm), by Will Ferguson. The concept is of the sweetest satire: A self-help book is published which actually works, and the entire economy collapses once people start to feel good about themselves. It's the most inspirationally cynical thing I've read all year.

More than that, Will Ferguson has the writing style I've apparently been trying to copy. I'll know for sure, once I read through his first book, Why I Hate Canadians... on second thought, the simple fact that he called his first book "Why I Hate Canadians" is probably proof enough that he's my new role model.

Speaking of Canadiana, I recently purchased what is perhaps the most Canadian music CD ever recorded: Rheostatics' "Music Inspired by the Group of Seven"... and now, if you'll excuse me, I have a car stereo and a few hundred kilometers of highway with which to get better acquainted with this bizarre creation.

I mean, I really want to believe.

Sigh. I'm still thinking about it, you know. I already said this about Captain Shrovewreaker, but I seriously need to learn to draw. Either that, or find an artist willing to help me turn "Agent Casey" into a comic book, because that's definitely where this belongs.

Butternut Square continues to develop in my head... "Finnegan" would be the codename for Mr. Dressup's personal bodyguard (who never says anything), one of their top underground informants would be Mr. WOO (it's an acronym), who speaks in rhyme and is surprisingly creepy when he moves his eyes around.

Also, I must have woken up on the obvious side of the bed this morning, because I realised that for a multi-millionaire, power-hungry criminal mastermind to usurp Canadian media, you can't do much better than someone whose name is already perfect for the job. But we'll save his character for a later episode. Here are a few other story ideas:

The Unnatural Things: David Suzuki is a smart guy, but he's no para-ecologist. When B.C. campgrounds get overrun by spectres, Agent Casey is called in to finish this campfire ghost story.

This Bomb Has 22 Minutes: As if the timer wasn't stressful enough, Casey has to defuse this bomb in two languages, or Ottawa loses half its civil servants! (Yes, of course it's a comedy. The trick will be telling a joke besides the obvious one.

The Littlest Robo: The New Wilderness only wanted to help people when they invented a cybernetic German Shepherd. Maybe they should have read more Michael Crichton books.

The Clones of Kensington: It's the question we've always asked ourselves: How much Al Waxman is too much? Agent Casey's about to find out.

Skinnamarinky-Dinky-Die!: Grab your elephant gun -- this one's not going to go down quietly.

And believe you me, the phrase "skinnamarinky-dinky-die" will be spoken aloud in that last one. I don't really think I have a choice.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: My brother turned 29 today -- I'm sixteen months older, but he's always been ahead by a century. Happy Birthday, Graeme!

I Want to Believe.

I have one friend who dislikes it when I use ostentatiously Canadian terms, such as "metre" or "Sam Roberts". Well, he's going to hate this idea. But write it I must, for it has seized me as few other ideas ever have.

It's clear that the CBC engages actively promotes the "Canadian Image", even if it's restricted to the image the government longingly wishes were true (i.e. more like New Brunswick). But what if the CBC's plan didn't stop there? Surely more goes on behind those closed doors than contract negotiations...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I contend that the CBC has a Black Ops division.

* * * * *

It was formed in the early 1980s. The British Invasion was over, and America wanted its MTV. The culture wars were over, and Canada had lost before it had even fired a shot. There were still some resistance fighters struggling in the mountains, but the main priority now was simply to hold the defences, and set up a skunkworks to develop as much quality Canadian Content as possible. The man chosen to lead this project was none other than the Voice of Doom himself.

With Mr. Greene at the helm, the project (nicknamed the "New Wilderness") became a huge success. The staff was confident that in another few years of genetic, cybernetic, and social engineering, they'd be ready to bring their creations out into the world. In fact, the workload was so great that the Director was forced to fake his death in 1987 so that he could continue his work uninterrupted.

Unfortunately, the New Wilderness was still a government program at heart, and a few years later, it was all but eradicated by budget cuts. A few projects were brought out before they were ready to make a half-hearted attempt, but most were released harmlessly into the wild (i.e. Vancouver).

A few, however, had been incarcerated. These were the defects, evil recreations of beloved Canadian icons. There in the basement of the New Wilderness they languished, until the cutbacks gave them a chance to escape. Resentful of the government which had betrayed and abandoned them, they named themselves The Hinterland, and went underground to assemble a few soldiers of their own -- and undoubtedly plan their revenge.

I'm sure someone must have filed a report about that, but, this is the government, after all. The decommissioning was quietly forgotten and laid to rest.

Then, in September of 2001, it was woken up. While CSIS frantically researched every Canadian security initiative in the last thirty years, the existence of the Hinterland was rediscovered. They had been making inroads into music and television, using the low Canadian dollar to finance their projects with American investors. The time for defence was over -- the CBC had to act. They re-commissioned their Black Ops division, now with a new mandate: they were no longer meant to nuture quality Canadian programming, but suppress it -- until the Hinterland was cut off from its source of revenue and brought to justice. Also, the world was now speaking of war. Whatever the CBC did, it had to do so quietly, and without attracting American attention.

They needed a new Director. One who knew how Americans thought. One who knew the art of blending in, becoming someone else. One that could inspire absolute loyalty from an organisation rife with informants. The CBC knew who they wanted, and when he agreed, they wasted no time. On Sept. 18, 2001, a press release was issued, sadly informing the people of the nation that their beloved friend and teacher, Ernie Coombs, had passed away.

The next day, Mr. Dressup assembled his agents inside the building once known as The New Wilderness -- now re-christened as Butternut Square. There, he drew out their assignments on an easel, and outfitted them each with their Tickle Trunks: high-tech disguise kits that let them wear any identity they needed. Any other spy gadgets they needed, they'd have to barter for with "Alligator" Al at the Trading Post. They were still running on a government budget, after all.

It wasn't much, but they had one last asset: One of the first things Mr. Greene had done in his tenure was set up a children's creche in the middle of downtown Toronto. There, children who showed the right potential were quietly sent to live together, to be monitored as they relentlessly tested each other. For the most part, it had been a disaster, with one child after another getting lost in the melodrama their surroundings provided. But there was hope still, and Mr. Dressup was confident that he could find some youth there with the ability and the desire to accept the code name... Agent Casey.

With a whistle, Mr. Dressup put on a hat, and stepped out the door. He was going to Degrassi Street.

CanCon vs. CanChoice.

A remote control I don't recognise? Check.

A Dreamcast controller? Check.

The antenna that came included with the TV I bought this summer? It no longer exists.

Well, I hope Little Mosque on the Prairie is a good show. Maybe CBC.ca will have a two-minute clip on their website tomorrow... but oddly enough, the timing here is perfect, because it perfectly illustrates the real reason I want that show to succeed (I just realised it myself tonight)...

You see, this week, Microsoft is planning to announce that its Xbox 360 will be turned into an IPTV set, allowing it to download content in HD, straight to your television. Then, this morning, Apple announced "AppleTV": another way to beam HD content (wirelessly) from your computer to your television.

What's my opinion on this? Well, let's look at the 2003 Battlestar Galactica miniseries. $30 on DVD, $0 on BitTorrent. That's been the standard battleground for a while. However, it's $16US on iTunes, and now you don't have to pretend that you like watching it on your video iPod. It's not the right answer for everyone, but at least it's an alternative.

More to the point, it's an alternative which now seems a lot more likely to outlast the other two. In a few years, it'll be like the entire world is on a TiVo. Missed the previous episode of 24? No you didn't. That bizarre thing that Howorko e-mailed you doesn't make sense? Try watching it on the big screen. Tired of living in a small city in Alberta that's never heard of foreign films? Rest yourself upon the couch, and see what Beat Takeshi's been up to.

Naturally, this is a boon for all independent filmmakers, and a headache for networks. Still, the networks go where the money is, and if they have to change, they will.

The CBC, though, worries me sick.

I've always held that the CRTC performs a necessary function, but it's clear that they've been running around without a purpose ever since the first Napster lawsuit. Their brand of enforcement is obsolete. They can't change, and they'll likely dissolve quietly as Canadians choose more and more American programming, with or without the CRTC's permission.

But the CRTC's mission statement is still vitally important, for almost exactly that reason. Now, more than ever, Canadians need to make sure their voice and identity is heard. Unfortunately, there's only one way to do that now... we have to be better than we've ever been before.

It's true that Hollywood is filled with stories of good movies that no one ever saw, but you know what? It's our only choice. We have to put our faith in the Long Tail, and take our chances. We have to get up on the stage with all our talent, and make the rest of the world take notice. Because that's the audience now.

And so far, Little Mosque on the Prairie might just pull it off. That's why I want it to succeed: Because it can.

Speaking of Canadian identity...

Tomorrow night, I'll be rummaging through the Old Electronics box in the closet, looking for a TV antenna. I've happily existed for years without seeing either a weatherman's face or the words NO MONEY DOWN... but this Tuesday night, I'll be tuning in to CBC at 20h30.

I'm not saying it's going to be good. In fact, I'm expecting it to be bad, if only to steel myself for the worst. But I really, really hope it's going to be great. I want a sweet, good-natured show that hits me in the face. I want to hear things that don't get said, and I want to hear things I should have thought a long time ago. Sure, it can be "funny because it's true", but I want to laugh with the truth, not at it.

Another thing is that I want to learn something about Muslim life. I know it's a work of fiction, but I have faith that if it doesn't get the important things right, it won't be funny. If I meet someone who a) loves Corner Gas, and b) realises we're not actually like that, then I know he's closer to the truth than he thinks. I'm counting on the same thing here.

Finally, no one else has made a North American show about Muslims. Maybe that should be reason enough.