As I was walking down to the Saskatchewan River to film this (which makes -- that's right -- a Saskatchewan Pirate), a grasshopper leapt out of the brush and hit me square in the eyepatch. They're not just for fashion!
(The YouTube link is here.)
Yarr! 'Tis I, Captain Shrovewreaker! My breakfasts are legendary in every pirate haven: my rum-cured bacon, my pancakes with rum syrup, my rummy eggs... no matter the dish, I always use my secret ingredients what please a pirate's palate. Honest sailors fear my plundering of their rations, and scoundrels across the ocean raise their orange juice high when they mention my name. It's a grand life... but any sea dog worth his salt can tell when the winds are changing, and it's time for me to go inland.
Crunch, they call him. The fool dresses like an Admiral, though I've never known a bucket he's fit to command, let alone a ship. And he has the unmitigated cheek to put his name on a breakfast cereal! And have you ever tried that swill? It's as hard as grapeshot, and every bit as dangerous.
As a pirate and as a chef, it's an insult I can't ignore. And as a member of the Evil League of Evil, I'll make him rue the day he ever woke up before brunch!