The e-mail started out innocuously:
"The organisers of the staff Christmas party have asked me to pass on the following announcements..."
Potluck suggestions, reminders to clear attendance with supervisors, etc.
"Also, we are interested in putting on a staff talent show. Please reply if you're interested."
This might be good. In fact, it might be VERY good. I just had to confirm one small detail... and an hour later, I'd confirmed that I was indeed the only person in my section (and quite possibly my entire department) that wants to do this. In other words: Carte Blanche. 15 minutes, all to myself.
The only restriction on content is that it has to be "clean and inoffensive". Ah, if only we had naught to fear, save that which is dirty and slanderous... For example here's my favourite idea so far: I recruit MJ to help out (he's described himself as an "outside chance" for this), and he walks onto stage, pulling a wagon with a few 2x4s and some power tools. I follow him on, wearing a top hat. I announce to the crowd: "Ladies and Gentlemen! Can MJ build a wall so large, he cannot push it down?"
I then play "Flight Of The Valkryies" on a harmonica (or perhaps kazoo), while MJ builds a wall, stands it up, and pushes it down. We take a bow, and leave the stage.
There you go. Clean, inoffensive, and a 100% guarantee that we'll either have a much better turnout at next year's talent show, or no talent show whatsoever.
Believe me, I'll let you know if I think of anything better -- and of course, your own suggestions are graciously welcomed.
This is going to be SO much fun.