I do the best imitation of myself.

The e-mail started out innocuously:

"The organisers of the staff Christmas party have asked me to pass on the following announcements..."

Potluck suggestions, reminders to clear attendance with supervisors, etc.

"Also, we are interested in putting on a staff talent show. Please reply if you're interested."

ah-HA!

This might be good. In fact, it might be VERY good. I just had to confirm one small detail... and an hour later, I'd confirmed that I was indeed the only person in my section (and quite possibly my entire department) that wants to do this. In other words: Carte Blanche. 15 minutes, all to myself.

The only restriction on content is that it has to be "clean and inoffensive". Ah, if only we had naught to fear, save that which is dirty and slanderous... For example here's my favourite idea so far: I recruit MJ to help out (he's described himself as an "outside chance" for this), and he walks onto stage, pulling a wagon with a few 2x4s and some power tools. I follow him on, wearing a top hat. I announce to the crowd: "Ladies and Gentlemen! Can MJ build a wall so large, he cannot push it down?"

I then play "Flight Of The Valkryies" on a harmonica (or perhaps kazoo), while MJ builds a wall, stands it up, and pushes it down. We take a bow, and leave the stage.

There you go. Clean, inoffensive, and a 100% guarantee that we'll either have a much better turnout at next year's talent show, or no talent show whatsoever.

Believe me, I'll let you know if I think of anything better -- and of course, your own suggestions are graciously welcomed.

This is going to be SO much fun.

You shall not pass!

I was in an art gallery last weekend, looking through soapstone carvings (and quickly realising that any attempt to invest in the Yellowknife market would end in my ruin) when I saw something that re-wrote all the plans I'd made for my new condo's decor. It's not on my walls yet, but it's already helping me decide the colour scheme for the living room. It's a red cedar canoe paddle, inlaid from handle to tip with aboriginal patterns, and the likeness of a killer whale on the blade.

It's a beautiful piece of artwork, but in all honesty, a large reason for me wanting this is that it's the closest I'll ever get to owning a magical staff.

Now, I don't believe in "magick", but I do believe that people get out of people and things what they put into them. Even if this doesn't go any further than psychosomatic effects, self-fulfilling prophecies, and placebos... what's the problem with that?

Here's another way to look at it:

Clarke's Third Law (Denton's First Expansion):

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from art.

Clarke's Third Law (Denton's Second Expansion):

Any sufficiently advanced art is indistinguishable from magic.

See what I mean now? It's not magic, but it's close enough that it still means something very similar to me. Really, isn't that how all art works? Why else would we cry with joy while watching Shaolin Soccer?

(And yes, we should all cry with joy while watching Shaolin Soccer.)

Unfortunately, this paddle is a bit more complicated, because I'm going to have to earn it. That's why I'm joining the Medicine Hat Paddling Club -- hopefully, there'll be a few stories to come out of it, at which point I can feel I've "put enough into that paddle" in order to claim it as my own.

At which point, I'll gleefully post the pictures on this blog, where I'm standing on a hilltop in the rain, swinging it over my head, trying to call down a thunderstorm.