Playoff season would be murder.

It's a period of mourning here in Medicine Hat... my moustache has died. Almost subconsciously, the muttonchops have bloomed in memoriam.

It was a fine 'stache, no doubt about that. But vanity proved my undoing, and as I trimmed it one morning, I thought I'd add a little divot to the top. Alas (and I should have seen this coming), the hairs I trimmed on top provided all the body below it. What was left was so ghastly, I had no option other than to reach for the lather.

Apparently, a central truth to the grooming of facial hair is: "As Above, So Below."

Which got me to thinking.

I've talked about the need for a new new age before, but this one I like: divination by beard reading.

Advantage #1: Time. If someone comes to me for a reading, they're looking at a two, three month process minimum, with weekly record-keeping appointments, that's a lot of billable hours. Er, I mean... actually, no. That is what I mean. Moreover, that's a lot of time to retroactively prove my theories between sessions, and a lot of time to research likely statistical progressions of the future to pass off as predictions. The longer the beard-reader can keep things going, the better.

Advantage #2: Motivation. People aren't going to grow a beard for three months just to find out why they had that dream about a windmill last night. Beard-reading lends itself to the important questions, the ones that are worth working on for three months. This simplifies the beard-reader's job considerably. Better yet, it can be helpful: three months of placebo is a strong prescription, especially when they're carrying the relevant good luck charm right on their face.

Advantage #3: Fashion. Being able to tell people exactly how to trim their beards? That almost makes this whole idea worthwhile by itself.

Hm. That last one is quite an advantage, indeed. You know, for an extra fee, I could even grow the beard myself...

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About The Author

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Canadian explorer. Chemist by training, biologist by nature. Long-time supporter and participant in National Novel Writing Month. Known as "Aquadeo" in most Internet circles. Also known as "that guy with the pants" to people who have seen me in certain pants.